Sometimes the Rainbow Comes Before the Storm

I remember when I became pregnant with Caleb, my second son, I felt his strong, sweet spirit right away.  I had waited until his brother Joshua was nearly 5 years old and was so excited to have another baby.  I knew he was a boy when I wondered in the clothing department and felt his voice tell me in my mind. During this time, I wrote countless songs and poems and had an increased outpouring of the Holy Spirit.  I felt heaven's love so close to me, which was a wonderful comfort because his dad had been out of work for awhile and our only income was what I made doing daycare in my home. Soon after Caleb was born, my marriage fell apart as I slowly learned that many things I had trusted had been a lie. But it was those precious 9 months that kept my faith as I navigated investigations, lawyers, moving out, and going back to school.  I am grateful that the Lord prepared me for a rough road ahead by giving me a rainbow of his grace to remember during the storm.

Fast forward to 11 years and 11 moves later,  I would finally find the man meant for me, and I would find myself pregnant before either of us felt ready.  Both of us had wanted to wait a year after getting married, but Joseph had other ideas.  I was right in the middle of 2 programs of study and was very nervous, not to mention sick all the time. I was lucky to have a good doctor who ran a lot of tests and was able to diagnose problems before they happened. Nevertheless, at 36 weeks, my waters broke and he was born the next day, weighing a little more than 5 pounds.

I cannot imagine my life without this sweet boy who has brought our family together in so many ways.  He has been loved by his brothers from day one and his brothers have enjoyed the extra responsibilities of caring for him.  He was smart and tough and tender and had captured our hearts early on. I wanted one more baby to complete our family, because I did not want Joey to grow up almost like an only child, since his brothers are 12 and 17 years older than him.  But after that I had 2 miscarriages, one quite early and one at 11 weeks, which was very difficult.  Finally 2 years later, I would make it to 17 weeks, but unfortunately, my cervix would open up and Jacob was born too soon. The miracle of his birth was that he was able to live almost 7 hours, just barely into the next day.  I was grateful for the time that we had with him and I feel that his short life brought our family together in many beautiful ways.

I wasn't sure about trying again, but after some time, we both felt inspired to do so.  After a few months of trying, we finally conceived what we hoped would be our final rainbow baby.  Both my husband and I were so nervous and we didn't tell very many people for a very long time.  We were told by my high risk doc that our odds were good because I could just get a cervical stitch to keep the baby in before he got too big to slip out.  The surgery was a success, but unfortunately, several weeks later I started funneling, had an infection, and later, at 19 weeks, my water would break.  We tried everything possible, but at nearly 23 weeks, our sweet Malachi would be born and fought for over 23 hours to stay alive.  During the c-section, I also had my tubes tied.  My doc warned me that I might regret it, and I knew the odds were not good for Malachi, but I felt that given my age and health challenges, it was time to make that decision.  There have been times that I have mourned over this decision, however.

The narrative that is most common after a loss is the arrival of a new rainbow baby down the road. We hear and read about many of these stories and we had wanted our own rainbow baby in our family. Before my husband and I were first married, he asked if I was willing to have one more child, and I said that I wanted 2 more, because I did not want a loner at the end of our family.  I never expected having too much trouble, since I did not have any major issues with my previous pregnancies, other than needing c-sections because of my anatomy.  When Joey joined our family right away, I expected that our next baby would be born without too much trouble.  Looking back, I see that I never fully appreciated my third son until we lost his little brother.

 Looking back, I see that this was another case where heaven gave me dessert first, so to speak.  Each time I lost one of my sons, I clutched tighter to my littlest, that much more grateful for his life and presence in our family. I know that in the end, I will be reunited with my angel sons and I know there are yet many things which I do not understand, concerning the mind and will of God, but I am glad for the rainbows that come before the storms of life, even though I did not fully appreciate everything until after the storms had passed. I  imagine an alternative universe where we would lose our Jacob and Malachi before Joseph and I think the grief might have killed me.  I believe the Lord knew when to send my children to me and I will trust that I can learn from each challenge.

I think of my favorite line from the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.  Everything will be alright in the end and if it not right, then it is not the end.  The end of our mortal lives is just the beginning.  It will be happy experience for those who have spent their lives trying to make the best of all of life's challenges.  No fairytale or movie can even compare to the happiness we will feel when we have overcome life's challenges and our own personal weaknesses and when the losses we felt in this life will not feel like losses after we have received rewards beyond our wildest imaginings.  I truly believe that in the end we will find it a privelige to suffer the storms we have suffered.  Sometimes the rainbows come before the storms to remind us of the greater rainbows ahead if we continue in faith.